Come As You Are
by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx
Summary: Two of my favorite things - Eli Goldsworthy and Nirvana! A collection of mini-songfics. This is like nothing I have ever done before, so criticism would be appreciated. Rated Kt-T because of Eli angst a guilty pleasure of mine
1. While You Hang me Out to Dry

**Author's Note: Yay! It's two of my favorite things – Eli Goldsworthy and Nirvana! Of course, I do not own Degrassi or Nirvana. Please read, review, and enjoy!**

* * *

_Song: About a Girl_**  
**_Title: While You Hang me Out to Dry_

**_I'll take advantage while__  
__You hang me out to dry__  
__But I can't see you every night__  
__Free_**

Eli Goldsworthy's breath caught in his throat as she walked past him in the hall. He wanted to say something, but his voice was captured, held hostage by the nerves that twisted and mutilated up through his stomach, through his heart, and to his throat.

She looked beautiful as she walked down the hallway. He knew she was hurting inside. She had lost a lot of her friends, and was pretty much alone at Degrassi. However, she always managed to walk with her head held high, and a small smile painted in red lipstick on her face.

Eli watched as she pushed her cinnamon hair out of her sea-glass eyes. She was positively stunning, and Eli was officially stopped in his tracks. She had this dangerously magnetic pull on him. It was as if, when she was around, the whole world froze. All he saw was her.

Clare had apparently felt the stare of his eyes upon her back, and she turned around and faced him. Eli desperately wanted to say something, but the words were still held captive, locked in the cage of his throat. She parted those crimson-stained lips of hers, as if she were going to perhaps say "hello," however, she merely cocked her head to the side, and stared at him as though she recognized him from somewhere but couldn't exactly place her finger on where. Perhaps it was a dream?

She turned away and continued down the hall. Eli shook his head, and retreated – defeated – to his locker. He wondered if she realized the pull that she still had over him. After everything…he was still completely held prisoner by his feelings towards the girl who had once seen the world in his eyes. Now all she seemed to see was an empty reflection of her lonely self.

However, as she walked down the hall to her class (History, Eli remembered – trying to convince himself that it wasn't weird at all that he memorized her schedule) with that sense of confidence and freedom, Eli realized that she was free.

He didn't hold her emotions captive. He didn't pull her heart with a rope of satin and barb. He didn't creep into her thoughts or her dreams. She was completely free of whatever it was she had once felt towards him.

And Eli was still a captive. Prisoner of war.


	2. To Have a Drink

_Song: Aint it a Shame  
Title: To Have a Drink on a Sunday_

_**Ain't it a shame to have a drink on Sunday  
Ain't it a shame  
Ain't it a shame to have a drink on Sunday  
When you got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday  
Oh, Thursday, Friday, Saturday  
Ain't it a shame  
**_

"I think you've had enough, son," the bartender pretended to pretend that he was concerned as the man in the black leather jacket lifted the glass to his lips, and downed the last swallow of caramel-colored liquid.

His throat burned something fierce, and Eli treasured the pain. Pain meant that he was still alive – still human. He too-often felt like a ghost, a corpse, a shadow of a person. Drinking caused him pain, which caused him to jolt back to remembering that he was alive.

Drinking also was an escape. Drinking made him forget. At the bottom of the bottle, he could lose all memories, all emotions, connected to Julia and Clare. If he drank long enough, and heavy enough, they could be erased from his memory – at least until the drinks faded. Then there were always more to be poured.

"No," Eli protested.

"And when do you think will be enough?" The bartender asked.

"When the memories die," Eli slid the glass towards the bartender, "More."


	3. My Baby Taught Me

_Song: Alcohol  
Title: Alcohol_

_**My baby taught me how to breathe  
My baby taught me how to hide  
My baby taught me how to leave**_

"Eli…don't walk away from me!" Clare shouted at her husband, "Please, just listen to me."

"Why should I?" Eli asked as he grabbed his jacket off the hook by the door, "I saw you, Clare. I saw you with him."

"But nothing happened, Eli," Clare crossed her arms over her chest, building up a barrier, "Why can't you just believe me? Jake and I were just…"

"Clare, what part of this don't you get? I saw you kissing him! You know, I really thought we could work, Clare. I wanted to make us work this time around. But now I know…"

"Eli…you can't leave. _Please_ don't leave."

"You taught me how to, Clare. Just remember that. You taught me how."

Clare Goldsworthy crumpled to the ground as the front door slammed behind him. She wanted so desperately to run after him, but she couldn't. Instead, she leaned like a broken doll against the wall. He was gone.


	4. Aqua Sea Foam Shame

_Song: All Apologies  
Title: Aqua Sea Foam Shame_

_**Everything is my fault  
I'll take all the blame  
Aqua sea foam shame**_

Eli watched her as she kissed Jake. He could feel the boil bubble and boil and turn to soda within his veins – explosive and burning. He shook his head as Jake wrapped his arms around her, and as she laughed with him. She was happy.

Eli knew that he should be happy for her, but he just couldn't bring himself to feel anything other than nagging, biting regret. The regret seemed to completely eat away at him, leaving nothing more than a hallow shell.

He knew it was his fault that she was gone from his life almost as quickly as she had entered. He had been too much for her to handle. Hell, he was even too much for himself to handle. She just couldn't take it anymore. He had left her no other choice but to leave him.

Eli understood – or at least tried to. He knew he couldn't completely blame her for leaving him like she did. She had left because of him. He had scared her and frightened her. His emotions were a monster he couldn't keep at bay. Sometimes, the monster would flare up and Eli couldn't control it. The monster and scared her away from him.

Eli knew he was to blame. He couldn't be angry at her. He couldn't even feel disdain towards her. No, all he felt was a wave of loneliness and remorse. He had done this to himself.

There was no one to blame – not Clare, not Jake – for any of it. Eli was the only one to blame.

As he watched her eyes light up – those sea-foam eyes of hers – Eli couldn't help but feel a sense of shame. What had he done?

He had pushed away the person that had been his everything.

He had left himself with nothing.


	5. Makes me Sick

_Song: Aneurysm  
Title: Makes me Sick_

_**Come on over  
Shoot the shit  
Love you so much  
Makes me sick **_

"Just please…come over."

His voice sounded so desperate on the phone, that Clare couldn't possibly say no, even if she wanted to. No, she had no other choice but to sigh, and say, "Alright. Give me five minutes."

Five minutes later, she found herself standing on the porch of Eli Goldsworthy's house. He opened the door not even a minute after she knocked, and invited her inside.

"We need to talk," he said, "About what happened at the Frostival."

Clare winced; she knew that this talk was coming sooner or later – she had just hoped that it would be later rather than sooner.

"Eli…" she didn't really know where to begin.

He interrupted her, "Look, Clare…you don't get to just do that. You don't get to kiss me and then expect me to go on with my winter vacation as if nothing ever happened. Did you honestly think that I wouldn't constantly be thinking about that kiss? Are you trying to drive me crazier than I already am?"

Clare hung her head like a child being scolded. She wanted so much to say something, but had no idea where to begin. She had no idea how to form the mess of emotions she was feeling, into sentences. Instead, she just stood there as Eli continued.

"Tell me, do you really think what we felt for each other could ever really just go away?"

Clare lifted her eyes from the carpet, and peered up at him through tear-matted eyelashes, "I don't know, Eli."

"Well I, for one, don't think something so strong, so powerful can just disappear into a memory. I think you still love me, just as much as I still love you."

Clare's jaw hung lax, and she didn't know what to do.

"You seem surprised," Eli raised a bemused eyebrow, "I never stopped loving you, Clare. It drives me absolutely insane how I can't stop loving you."

"You're already insane," Clare rolled her eyes.

"At least it wasn't a far drive," Eli let a small, shy smile tug at the corners of his lips, "Clare, look at me."

Clare lifted her glass-blue eyes up to meet his dancing emerald, "Eli…"

"I can see it," he said, "I can see it in your eyes. You still love me."

"I…I don't know about that, Eli…"

"Well I do."

"Okay," Clare decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, "Well then, if we still love each other, where do you suppose we go from here?"

"We could just talk," Eli suggested.

"Talking," Clare nodded, "Talking is good."

"And after we talk?" Eli raised an eyebrow.

"Then we can go from there."

**A/N: That "Not a far drive" line is one of my favorite lines off the show Life With Derek - my first love-affair I ever had with a fandom. **


	6. What Not to Become

A/N: I am sooo out of my comfort zone with these little songfics, but it's good to push yourself. I just am sad thinking of Eli being sad lol but I really do like writing these and delving into the psychology of his character. I think he and Kurt would have made excellent friends!

_Song: Blandest  
Title: What Not to Become_

_**I need you around  
To remind me what not to become**_

When she was around him, she made him forget. She made him forget to drink. She made him forget to cut. When she was around him, he didn't need to hurt himself to feel alive.

When she was around him, she made him realize he was alive without the drugs, alive without the pain.

Now that she was gone…

Eli lifted the razor from the sock drawer. The edge was stained a rusty crimson.

She wasn't around anymore.

Now that she wasn't around, Eli forgot again.

No one was there to remind him.

No one was there to remind him that he was alive.


End file.
